Art of Loving Advice
Question:
I recently married the man of my dreams. We met towards the end of our
last year of college, and fell in love instantly. We got married after
graduation, and have only been together a bit over a year. My problem
will probably sound insignificant, but lately it has been driving me
into some sort of depression. I got out of a terrible long term
relationship a couple months before meeting my husband. My ex abused me
in every sense of the word and cheated on me with my friends for years-
though I was too niave to believe it. So when I met my husband, the
little things he did seemed like miracles from heaven. He saved me in
so many ways, and I became strong again. Unfortunately, as time has
passed, I have at times lost the self confidence I had gained. About
three months into our marriage I realized we rarely had sex. One night
I wanted to sneak into the shower with him to surprise him, but found
the door locked. We never had the door locked in our little home (only
one bathroom). I told him later that I had tried to sneak in the
bathroom, and he was very honest and was able to tell me that he has
been masturbating... which we always talked about in college and were
completely open about. But as our sex got less frequent, he became
obesessed with this impulse he has been reliant on for pleasure for like
fifteen years. I always felt masturbation was a form of substitution
from sex, but not nearly as good as the actual act...which I would
choose any day. As months passed, I began to feel like his nightly
showers were a way for him to indulge in his fantasys, a part I could
not satisfy within him. There are porn sights on our computer with
these beautiful women- the ones he invisions in his fantasies. I am so
happy he is not acting out his fantasies with other women, and he is so
sweet to be honest with me about his actions. But the times we do make
love, I feel ugly and have absolutely no creativity or confidence. I
seriously fear that he will soon want nothing to do with me. How can
I understand what this masturbation means?
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Old habits do die-hard :):) I feel you need to have some serious conversation with your husband about how this makes you feel. This is the key to resolving how you are feeling right now. You need to participate with your husband in his masturbation exercise in the bathroom. Take a bath or shower together --- get creative --- loving relationships are built on imagination. Assist your husband in his pleasure. It is amazing what a little shower gel ( go to a health store and find some herbal gels and oils to stimulate him) and erotic talk on your part will do to drive him crazy for you.
Please don't take his actions personally. He has old habits that are hard to break. Have regular conversations together about your relationship. Deal with problems, and discuss ways of enhancing your relationship. From experience I find intimacy problems mask the real issues. Have a real heart to heart talk with your hubby ---- sit closely across from one another with full eye contact and express your feelings. The key to a truly successful relationship is the ability to expose your fears and vulnerabilities. I feel you both need to do this soon.
Have him talk about the porn material he views and how you could bring his fantasies to reality. I feel he needs to take this energy and put it into you love life.
Start communicating --- and get creative. That is my advice to you. If all else fails, seek professional help together.
Paul Mauchline,
The Art of Loving Institute
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