Art of Loving Advice
Question:
I have been mentally torturing myself about an affair I had in a past
relationship. I dated the same person from age 16 to 22. He was nine years
older than me. When we started dating I thought he was perfect for me and
that I would never do anything to hurt him. I cheated on him with one of my
friends when I was a senior in high school. I immediately told him and
begged for his forgiveness. It took a long time, but he finally trusted me
again. He traveled a lot for work and about a year later I found out that he
had an affair while he was out of town. We were able to work things out
after a while. I stayed with him, but I always had doubts. I guess I was
never brave enough to leave him when I knew I should because I was
comfortable. I kind of grew up with him. He was with me while I was in high
school and when I began college. I was very tempted to date other people
when I started college, but I felt committed to him. My third year in
college we started to have a lot of problems. He was not in school and did
not have a stable job. I always tried to encourage him to do more and to set
goals, but he never did. He was not very responsible. He never paid bills
on time unless I did it for him. His car was repossessed, etc. I still
stayed with him because he truly has a good heart, but just not a lot of
direction. I thought he would change. I guess that was my mistake. I began
to resent him because I was working hard while he would sleep all day and
hang out with his friends. One night I went out with my boss and a guy that
I worked with. We had too much to drink and I ended up sleeping with him. I
slept with him three times. I have never felt so disgusted with myself. It
is hard for me to believe that I was capable of doing the one thing that I
knew would crush my boyfriend. He forgave me the first time, but I did not
have the courage to tell him about the second time. I knew that the
relationship had to end. I stayed with him until I was financially able to
move out on my own. I left him not only because I cheated on him again, but
also because I was unhappy with the relationship itself. I knew that I
needed to date other people while I was in college, otherwise I would miss
out on the whole experience. I left him about eight months ago and started
to date other people. It felt so good to know that I had finally done it,
but at the same time, I felt sad because I missed him very much. The problem
now is that he is having a hard time getting over our relationship ending. I
feel like he would not have such a hard time if he really knew what I had
done to him. I feel an overwhelming sense of guilt. I don't know if I
should tell him. I don't want to hurt him anymore. The thought of him
knowing what I did makes me physically sick. I know that I should pay the
ultimate price for my actions. Should I let him heal with time or should I
be honest about my mistake in the past? I feel like I should just live with
the guilt and let him get on with his life. The level of guilt I feel is
unbelievable. I find it hard to forgive myself. I have asked God to forgive
me and I know it is important to forgive yourself, but I just don't think I
can. I even doubt my ability to be faithful in other relationships because I
let it happen with two people. I hate what I did and I can't stand myself
for it. Please help me.
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Stop being a martyr!!! Get over it!! Your relationship is over -- get on with your life, which also goes for your ex. You both were unfaithful to one another, which is no basis for a loving relationship. Who is to say he did not cheat on you more then once. If it will ease your conscience and pain, then tell him. I don't see how it will help matters. What is done is done.
When the right man comes into your life, and you truly love him, and he truly loves you -- you will be faithful.
You may consider seeking the help of a counsellor or therapist to get over your fears.
I would recommend you read, "A Return To Love" by Marianne Williamson. I feel this book would be of great assistance to you.
Enjoy life, have fun, and put this all behind you.
Paul Mauchline,
The Art of Loving Institute
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