Art of Loving Advice
Question:
Hello. I am interested in a woman that I know at work. We have spent a
small amount of time together including three one-on-one lunch hours, a few
fifteen minute breaks, and any occasion we cross paths and have time to talk.
Lately, due to our conflicting work schedules, our only mean of
communication is via hand written letters, and occasionally on conference
calls (in which case a substantial part of the call would be non-business
related). We would leave letters for each other in discreet places,
sometimes making a treasure hunt out of the letter writing. That process had
been going on for over a month, and I finally decided to ask her out about
three weeks ago. I asked her out because of course I am attracted to her and
I want to spend more time with her, considering our job rarely permits our
interaction. I also felt that she had given plenty of signs that she is
interested in me as well. Anyhow, she wrote me a letter back that said
"maybe, it depends," and that we should talk about it. The problem is, we
never have time to talk. I tried to get her to go to lunch with me again,
and made arrangements for us to spend more time at work together, but she
wasn't that cooperative. After that I had backed off, and she told me that
she was sorry for being distant, but she needed me to be patient and that she
wanted to be friends first. She said that I am the most interesting person
she has met in a long time, that she loves my sense of humor, and she loves
me as a person all around. She confessed that she opened herself up to me
about certain things (told me stuff) and later wondered why she had done so.
She said she does not want to rush into anything and that she is afraid that
if we go out and then later break up that she would not be able to come back
to work. She said she wants to be friends more than having to worry about
that because she knows from experience that work romance doesn't work. She
said that in her opinion we are very good friends and she really really
doesn't want me to ignore or hate her anymore (she wrote a two page letter
explaining all of this after I purposely ignored her for not showing any
interest in talking with me). My question is whether she is using the friend
thing and work thing as a blow off, or if she is really sincere. The problem
is, I told her that I only wanted us to go out if she feels the same about
me. I told her that I felt it doesn't matter where two people meet; it only
matters if the right two people meet and we would only know this if we give
it a chance. I told her not to worry about us not being friends because I
will just back off of the dating idea. Now, however, I am wondering if she
said that stuff just as an excuse. I know the only way to know for sure is
to ask her again, but I don't want to be persistent and I do want to at least
be her friend, but not if she is using our friendship as an excuse not to
date. Well, thanks for any help.
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Life is full of choices my friend. Sounds to me like this young lady has some fears about dating someone she works with. It is your decision whether you pursue the dating thing --- or accept the fact that she wishes to just be friends for now. There is nothing wrong with friendship --- it can build strong loving relationships over-time. I certainly would not put myself on hold for this young lady, and would encourage you to date and see other women.
Paul Mauchline,
The Art of Loving Institute
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