Art of Loving Advice
Question:
I need you advice on something very serious in my life right now. I have been dating this guy for 6 years now (his is also my first boyfriend and lover) and his has started to talk about getting married next year. We are compatible in every way possible, except when it comes to affection and sex. He has never been the public affection type of guy and in the first couple of years of our relationship, he surprises me with sudden soft touches, kisses, and initiate sex until the last two years when he started to be more quickly tired and treat sex with less interest. (He says because he is growing older and losing hair, etc...) On the other hand, I have grown to deeply love making out. Althought, most the time he would shoot before I can. Our making out session usually lasts 3 minutes max (including the short foreplay).
In the last couple of weeks, I have asked him to have more than the usual 30 second foreplay before we make-out, and to surprise me like he use to years ago. ... Sadly, I wait, and nothing... I feel miserable having to always jester his hands to start all the time ... and when I tell him I want him to go down, he says that he is a very hygenic person and cannot do that, but occassionally will want me to go down for him.
Lately I have been very sad (and will cry unexpectantly), and he knows it too. He says that I ask for too much. I want to have an exciting sex life with him. I don't know if there is something wrong with me. Am I craving too much for sex while he isn't (as much)? Is having sex three times a week too much to ask for? I love this guy very much, but I have to admit that our sex life is not as exciting as I wish it to be. What should I do?
Can my high sex-drive be reverse to be compatible with his? (if yes, how?) I am terrified that my greed to have that "inner-satisfication" may end our long relationship. Please help!!
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Why would you want to change yourself!!!! Stop and think about this for a moment. What is wrong with wanting romance, passion, intimacy, and a healthy sex life? This is not being greedy - this is called loving yourself!!
There is nothing wrong with having an exciting sex life. There would be less divorce in the world, if people start recognizing what they need, instead of accepting second best. You are not craving too much. Three times a week is not too much to ask for.
Sexual intimacy problems in a relationship are usually the tip of the iceberg. You need to start some honest communication with each other to find out what else is not working. Getting older, loosing your hair are poor pathetic excuses. Why do I get the feeling your guy is not being honest with you.
If you want to work on this relationship -- go for couples counselling, and possibly individual counselling -- especially for your boyfriend. I would postpone any thoughts of marriage until these problems are resolved. Start loving yourself --- and get what you need. Otherwise find a partner that will truly compliment you.
P, I have been in the exact situation as you, and I left the relationship. People only change if they want to change. It unfortunately might be time to move on I hate to tell you. I would recommend the counselling route -- and tell him it is not negotiable -- counselling immediately, or the relationship ends.
Paul Mauchline,
The Art of Loving Institute
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