ADVICE

Art of Loving Advice

Question:
I am having a difficult time with insecurity. My boyfriend is a wonderful man who treats me well. He has many friends, including females friends. Even though I try not to let my insecurities shine through, my boyfriend has mentioned to me that I have to become more confident in our relationship and in myself. I agreed.

I have vowed to myself that I am going to try very hard to overcome this terrible feeling as I know it is something that could eventually destroy our relationship if it doesn't't stop. However, I guess what my question is, is where do I draw the line with what is reasonably acceptable behaviour in our relationship and what is not?? He feels comfortable inviting his female friends over to spend the night on weekends. I mean, having friends of the opposite sex is one thing, (I have "guy" friends), but should it be acceptable to me if he invites them over to spend the night? I know this is something I personally would not do myself, but he is not me. This has become an issue with us a couple of times and very likely to come up again in the future.

What should I do or shouldn't do? Even though I'm uncomfortable with this, should I just welcome his "single" female friends to come spend the night with us on the weekends and try to accept this? I want our relationship to work, and I am going to try very hard, however, to what extent am I supposed to accept these sort of things...and when do I have the right to say, I don't feel comfortable with this?

Please help!

"I know this is something I personally would not do myself, but he is not me."
These are your words, and I would reflect on them. I am not here to judge anyone -- for it is not my right, or anyone else for that matter -- including you. There is nothing wrong with a man having female friends. I see nothing wrong with friends staying overnight -- especially if people have been drinking. I would have a problem if every weekend he has his female or male friends staying overnight. When does that give you time together as a couple? Relationships need to be negotiated all the time. This means that you need to communicate your feelings and negotiate a solution that will be fair to both of you. You need to find a balance to this problem. Other issues will present themselves in the future in your relationship -- and again they will need to be negotiated through honest dialogue with one another.
As for your issues of insecurity -- it is time to start doing some serious work on yourself. Start reading -- there are many great books to help you overcome these toxic feelings. Revisit my web site -- there are numerous articles and book suggestions to help you. I would also strongly recommend seeking the help of a therapist or counsellor to assist you with these feelings you are experiencing.
Loving relationships will not grow with these feelings -- they are toxic. What you are truly feeling is Fear!! There is no room for fear in one's life, only love -- in my humble opinion.

Paul Mauchline,
The Art of Loving Institute

Back to Advice | Back to Archive

Send this page to a friend

odyssey
to success

art of
sensuality

love lessons

questionnaire

letters

advice

editor's memo

vacation in
Turks & Caicos

loving links

great books

features