Art of Loving Advice
Question:
After 15 yrs of marriage I found out my wife had a 14 month
affair, and after that she had sex 2x with another guy. And 2yrs later she
went back to the first guy for one more time. The first affair started in
1992. She called the first guy once 3yrs ago and once 6 months ago. She says
the calls were to say she moved away, and that she is happy with her life. I
had opportunity 3x, but never cheated. I showed up at her office one day,
the first affair guy was there, after she let me in the office she said they
were on a important conference call. She lied, I trusted her, she carried on
the affair for another 8 months, and after started up with the 2nd guy. I
have lost respect for her, I have no desire to do things with her. She seems
like somebody I never really knew. I feel like we will never share the same
level of happiness. We talk alot about it. She says she is remorseful,
cries, says she is ashamed. I of course still love her, but the feeling is
fading. It is strange and empty now, hard to understand how she could be in
such a different place for so long and lie about it. Any thoughts that you
can express will help, Thanks
-M
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Dear M,
Infidelity is the biggest cause of relationship failure and divorce today. It takes a lot of work to get over one
instance of infidelity in a loving relationship. In my opinion if it happens twice, that person is out of my life. Trust is
the hardest element to put back into a relationship, and it sounds like you have put up with far to much in this
relationship.
You say you have no desire to do anything with her, and that your love is fading. I feel you have answered your own
question here, and now have to muster the courage to deal with the situation once and for all.
I will say too you though, I have worked with couples in similar situations, and miracles can happen. What it entails
is a trial separation, working twice a week with a trained therapist or counsellor, and a lot of hard work on both
sides to bring the relationship back to a point of love. This does not occur over night. I feel you need to have a
very heart to heart honest discussion with your wife, and truly bare all your feelings and emotions to her. When you
do this, make sure you look straight into her eyes, and don't let her eyes leave yours. This way she will feel your
words, and you can discuss your choices.
I hope I have been of some help. Good Luck.
Paul Mauchline
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