Art of Loving Advice
Question:
Until July of last year, my fiancé and I had been in a long
distance relationship for 2.5 years. During this period, I went through a
serious crisis because of his blatant womanizing in the beginning of our
relationship, as well as the fact that he was still living with his
girlfriend (I was in the US, he lived in Italy) and, though I found out
later that they were not sexually involved, the last 7 months of our
relationship, I was unfaithful to him 3 times (he had been unfaithful two
times during the previous summer but I only found this out when I finally
moved to Europe with him in July). I finally told him about what I did and
now we are in a terrible period, complete with arguments, physical
confrontations, and insults. He canīt seem to forgive me and feels hurt
because he thought I was faithful when I wasnīt. To get "information", he
has made me email all of my previous lovers, friends and even family in the
period, making me speak on the phone while he listens and generally going to
every extreme to get every detail of those relationships. We have a few
weeks of peace, which are wonderful, then he explodes and starts attacking
me, telling me he will never marry me, that he regrets breaking up with his
ex-girlfriend over me because she was better than me and last night, made me
call my step-sister and insult her because of her role in helping me be
unfaithful.
I just donīt know how to stop this insanity. What is worse is we are in a
foreign country (Germany) where we donīt know a soul and it breaks my heart
to leave him in this condition but I am really fearing for my safety in
everyway. I think everyone here has made a mess and we have to move on but
he canīt.
What can I do? I feel like my namesake.
-H
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Dear H,
I feel like I need a score card with the two of you. What a way to start a relationship, with so much infidelity, but
who am I to judge the two of you for your prior actions. I judge no one, and neither should the two of you be judging
each other for these past choices you made. Why is it that so many people are being forced into these problems
you are having with your fiance`? Why would you involve yourself with a blatant womanizer to begin with in the first
place? Did you think you could change him? I could go on and on with questions for the both of you.
Excuse my slang, but this is a real, three ring relationship circus, you both have put yourselves into now. You need
to take responsibility for your actions now!
In order for you both to proceed in your relationship, you must forgive one another, including yourselves. This is no
basis to continue a loving relationship. There is a lot of anger, jealousy, resentment, trust issues and serious
mental and physical abuse here in your relationship. All of this is totally unacceptable. This is not what a loving
relationship is all about; for it is about love for one another, and not fear, which is what I am seeing here between
the two of you.
If you are fearing for your life, that he may physically harm you, then leave now!!! You are not loving yourself, based
on what you have revealed to me, and more importantly the physical violence that is present. Love begins by
loving yourself, and I am not seeing this in either of you, based on your actions.
There is hope for couples like you, and I have seen and participated in such miracles. The only way for this to
happen is by separating for awhile from one another and getting professional help to resolve your issues, forgive
one another, and bring back love into your lives together as a couple. You both have a lot of work to do individually
and as a couple, to accomplish such a miracle.
I wish the two of you the best of luck.
Paul Mauchline
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