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Question:
I have been living with a woman for 8 months. It is my first long term gay relationship, her 4th. We are both in our early 40's.I love and adore her very much.

This is my problem. We were constantly having difficulties (usually not between us though) due to her ex and I did not feel I could have peace of mind and us find happiness together if her ex played an active part of our life....hating me and loving her. We never went more than 72 hours without her calling to talk. I did not know how to deal with the constant rollercoaster of friendly then hateful.

I've spent every dime of my inheritance buying a home/business for us. I bought it 6 months into the relationship. And I went ahead with the purchase because Jo told me she was severing all ties to her ex when we moved. I told her I could not live like this, in fact I had looked at another piece of property for myself. She assured me again that she was severing all ties, so I bought the property for us. In less than 48 hours the ex not only had our number and had called but was here at the house. I felt very betrayed and hurt. Now at 8 months they still talk but less so...usually during the day on the cell phone I pay for and she calls the house at night a couple of times a week. A couple of weeks ago the ex wanted to end the "friendship" between them and for a week there were no calls. It was heaven, pure heaven. Then she changed her mind again. J tells me she loves me and I believe her but she wants to remain friends with her ex, even though the ex hates me and I am not welcome anywhere around her.

I realized after the "heaven" week that I could not deal with the ex being a part of MY life. Life is too short to deal with anyone that hates you when there is no reason to even see or talk to them. Now my problem is this....I won't ask her to choose between us but I know if I am unhappy I will make her unhappy and if the friendship with her ex means that much to her then I have to let her go.

J feels that I am way to sensitive over the issue. Maybe I am because at times I feel like she is making a fool out of me, but I feel what I feel anyway. They were only together 2 1/2 years and J has told me and even her ex that she was never in love with her anyway. I guess I feel that she cannot be in a committed relationship to me when she is unable to let go of the past relationship for whatever reason.

How can I trust her as a business partner if I feel I can't trust her when it comes to the ex? Should I go ahead and let go before I get any further hurt? If I go ahead with the business venture then I want a written agreement that the ex will not be allowed on our property nor will she benefit in any way from the business, directly or indirectly. I feel that is right and fair. So please advise...am I being silly or a fool? -M

Hi M,

Well, that was quite a letter you wrote me. I had to read it a few times to get an intuitive feel for what is going on with you, J, and the ex.

First off you are in a new relationship, and I am concerned about the amount of financial resources you have put into this relationship. You need a pre-nup agreement, and a partnership agreement for the business, between the two of you. I would go no further until this is dealt with, to protect yourself from any potential problems down the road.

I have known exes that get along well with new lovers and all can be good friends. Sometimes we get involved with someone in a loving relationship and later realize we are better as friends. This has happened to me in the past, where a lover has become just a good friend. Though I have to say that these friends are not parked on my door step and calling me all the time. There is a happy medium for this type of thing.

Unfortunately we do not live in a perfect world, and there are some people we just cannot get along with, plain and simple. I would not stress out over this to much. Your partner is entitled to have her own friends away from the relationship, just as you are, as long as it does not create conflict. It would appear that there is conflict, and based on your letter you have communicated your feelings to her. In one instance she went back on her word to you, which is not a good thing at the beginning of a loving relationship. You have a lot of issues here, trust, resentment, some jealousy, which boils down to fear in my books. There cannot be fear in a loving relationship.

You need to have a true honest loving conversation and pour your heart out about this to your lover. Maybe the three of you need to sit down and clear the air once and for all, and then decide your options. Maybe it is best in an old saying, "Two is company, three is a crowd".

I wish you both the best of luck.

Wishing you an epic and loving day.

Paul Mauchline
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