Art of Loving Advice
Question:
I am a 27 year old male recently out of the military and attending law school. I have been in a 3 year relationship
with this wonderful girl I met while in the military. She is my first real girlfriend and the only person I've ever made
love to. Before her, I never really dated anyone. I love and care for her deeply but I'm afraid of committing to
marriage with her. For one thing, she is about 300 lbs and smokes (although she saids she has quit and is trying
to lose the weight). I'm athletic and don't smoke or drink. I lost my mother to cancer 2 years ago and I'm scared
about the health implications involved with this girl. I got involved with this girl under the idea that she was
committed to losing the weight. At the time, I didn't know she smoked because she kept it from me and all the
while I thought she was quitting. It's been 3 years now, and I'm seriously wondering if she is ever going to change
her health habits.
She is thinking about moving back to Washington to be near her family while I finish law school. She wants to get
married, but the issues of weight and smoking are holding me back. I want this relationship to work, but a part of
me feels that I should explore dating other girls at least while she is in Washington. Yet I don't want to cheat on my
girlfriend or jeapordize the relationship.
Part of me feels that I should at least date other girls to make sure she's the one, since she's really the first person
I've been involved with. I get this nagging feeling that I should at least be exploring other options in case she and I
don't work out. She saids I put conditions on my love for her - she may be right, but I just can't fathom committing
the rest of my life to someone who doesn't take care of her body. I know she's tried to change, but it's been 3
years now and nothing has really changed. She saids I should give her more time...
I love her alot though and value the relationship because for the most part, these 3 years have been great. I want
to do the right thing, because this girl has been wonderful to me and I've grown since I've been with her. I'd
appreciate any advice you can give me.
Please keep my name confidential. Also, if you do decide to answer this question, can you let me know so I can
look for what you said? Thank you for your help.
Sincerely,
M
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Hi M,
The purpose of my web site www.artofloving.com is to provide information, knowledge and wisdom from experts
like myself. Time does not really allow me the privilege of getting into detailed answers and assuming the role of
counsellor, or therapist. I try in my spare time to answer in short form queries like yours. I would encourage you to
visit my site again and read all the material posted. Take the time, for answers will not come from one article or
source. Love must be learnt, and learnt, again and again, there is no end to it.
You are not happy with the weight and smoking issue surrounding your girlfriend. You say you have talked to her,
and still no change. If this indeed does make you unhappy, then you must end the relationship and move forward
and find that woman who gives you all you need in your life. Continuing in this relationship is just going to create
more resentment towards her, and make you unhappy. Love starts by loving one's self, and making choices that
allow you to love more, especially to a partner. Stop feeling gulity about three years and the fact she has been
good and supportive. Excuses like this will get you further into the relationship, and cause more pain later if you
end it.
You are a young man and honestly should be dating lots of women right now. It is only through this process that
you will be able to determine when you finally meet the one for you. Don't compromise what you value in life. You
want a woman who takes care of herself and does not smoke. Accepting what you currently have, compromises
you greatly.
I hope I have been of some help.
Good Luck
Wishing you an epic and loving day.
Paul Mauchline
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