Art of Loving Advice
Question: I went to visit my daughter in December.When I returned 10 days later my life partner seemed different. Now I'm afraid I'll lose him to a nurse who works at the office where his father used to go.(He died the end of January) What can I do to save this relationship? I love this man!
Sandra
Dear Sandra,
The details of your question seem incomplete to me. I feel there are many pieces of the puzzle that are missing in order for me to give you the advice you seek. I would like to pose some questions for you to ponder before giving you my opinions on your current dilemma... What was the state of your relationship prior to your partner's father falling ill?
Was there clear, honest communication between the two of you?
Was there love and intimacy between you?
Was there romance and passion in your relationship?
Have either of you had past affairs?
How close was your partner to his father?
In what ways did you perceive that your partner was different after your 10 day absence?
Do you know for sure that your partner is involved with this nurse? Or are you assuming?
What have you done in the last seven months since you noticed the change in him?Based on the little information I have to go on, here are some of my thoughts about your current situation with your partner...
When a person loses a parent or someone very close to him (or her, but in this case, we'll use him), the loss often creates a sense of a void in that person's life. During this time, he may feel very lonely and vulnerable. Should this person's current relationship be weak and lacking in something, it is only very natural for him to seek someone to help him fill this sense of void during this difficult time. Many affairs occur at such a point, especially when the partner who is going through the crisis is left alone for any period time.This brings me to my question about the state of your relationship prior to the illness of his father. I suspect that there is more happening here than meets the eye. Affairs are not usually the prime cause of relationship breakdown. Generally, they are a symptom of problems that have been there for quite some time. The affair just brings them to the surface.
A long period of time has passed since December. Have you communicated your feelings and concerns to your partner? Have you sought counselling, together or individually, in order to address each other's feelings? I would suggest this route if you both want to save your relationship. It takes two to tango. You both need to participate to repair and rebuild your relationship. Today, there are many wonderful books you can use as a resource to help you get your relationship back on track. Websites such as BlueSuitMom.com and my site artofloving.com also provide you with much of the knowledge you seek.
In response to your comment, "What can I do to save this relationship? I love this man!" I guess the big question I need to ask is: Does your partner really love this woman and want to leave you for her? Does he love you, truly , madly and deeply? Sandra, the truth is, sometimes people fall out of love. You cannot make someone love you, and you cannot change another. Which brings me to the question: Does your partner love you enough to be willing to put in the effort to make your relationship rise in love again? If such is the case, then the two of you have a lot of work ahead of you, but there is hope: working as a team, preferably with some professional help, you can create a solid, healthy relationship. However, if such is not the case, and your partner no longer loves you, then you have to love him enough to let him go. I know that this is not what you want to hear, but if you truly love this man you will want him to be happy, even if he is not with you. If you truly love yourself, then you will want to be with a partner who loves you equally in return.
I wish you both the best of luck.
Paul Mauchline
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