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Art of Loving Advice
Name: Jennifer W.
Question: Paul, My question is I've been married 9 1/2 years, and have 2 kids. Around our 6th year I strayed and was with someone only one time. I told my husband about it not too long after it happened. Now 3 years later we are still trying to deal with it. But he's not opening up to me and I can't help him. I feel like he would like the marriage to be over but he can't come out and say it. Any suggestions??? Please help me if you can.
Dear Jennifer,
I admire your courage for being honest with your husband about your infidelity. Not many people will confess to their partners about this sort of thing, for fear of the relationship ending.
I guess I would have to question you as to why you had an affair in the first place. How was your relationship with your husband before the affair? Were you and your husband communicating well? Was there romance, affection, and intimacy between you? Today, do you love your husband, truly, madly, and deeply?
You are absolutely right that you cannot help your husband. Your husband is the only one who can choose to help himself. Three years is a long time for an individual to hold onto this type of emotional pain. In my opinion, this is very unhealthy not only for him, but also for you and your children. I get the feeling there is much more that your husband is not revealing to you -- and more importantly to himself. Have you sought out professional help to assist you with these issues? My immediate recommendation would be for your husband to seek individual counseling, followed up by couple's therapy to work out your problems and get your relationship on track.
It sounds like you are willing and want to save the marriage, whereas your husband may have given up. Have you asked him, directly, whether or not he wants to stay in the marriage? More importantly, does he love you and trust you? Unless your husband is prepared to communicate and do the work that is required to repair the relationship with you, then, unfortunately Jennifer, you may have to be the one to end your marriage. Maybe a trial separation is the "wake up call" your husband needs to help him decide whether or not he wants to remain with you and your family. I know you do not want to hear this; I am sure, right now, you are also concerned about your children and the impact a separation or divorce would have on them. However, your current situation creates an unhealthy, unacceptable environment for all concerned and will only cause more damage the longer these feelings remain present and unresolved.
I wish you the best of luck. Hold fast to your courage, and, more importantly, your love for yourself.
Paul Mauchline
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