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Loving Our Children
by Paul Mauchline

We all have childhood experiences, routines, and examples of love given to us by our parents. Whether they are positive or negative in nature, these messages have a significant influence on our daily lives. Whether we follow our parents' examples or rebel against them, not only do these messages affect us, but also they get passed down to our own children. Today at age 44, I could not possibly leave my home in the morning without making my bed. I have an automatic impulse to clean up after meals, rather than to leave dishes piling up for the next day. Overall, my Mother raised my siblings and I with a sense of order in our lives. I laugh to myself when I visit my siblings' homes: our Mother's influence is visible there, as well. Our homes are different in appearance, but there is one common thread: that sense of order, pride, and responsibility we have inherited from our Mother. As children growing up, we never experienced a moment of panic looking for anything. For the most part, we knew where our possessions were. Honestly, I cannot recall a single incident of looking for some vital thing required that day for school, as occurs so often in homes with children. My Mom never had to come to our school because of some behavioral problem. The police never called her with some complaint of mischief. We all were given responsibilities and chores at an early age. As we got older, our Mom placed more responsibilities on our plate, always gauging them carefully based on our abilities. I remember times, looking after one of my siblings or doing chores, when I felt resentful that I was not out with all my friends who were playing. I was like most normal children at the time: in my mind, I interpreted my Mom's instructions as "nagging."
 
These experiences hold a different meaning for me today. It was those early examples of order and, more importantly, responsibility that have made my life that much easier today, functioning as an adult. Looking back now, I realize how much my Mom truly loved her children. Examples of love can take so many shapes and forms. Love can be expressed in words and in that all-important touch, such as the warmth of a hug and a kiss. Spending quality time with your family, and just plain having fun, is another way to show your love. Holding hands and expressing your care and affection for your partner is one of the best examples you can give to others, especially your children. Love is also shown in the responsibility, discipline, and order we give to our children and to ourselves. It is these important elements of love that must come jointly, both from you and from your partner. In parenting, there is nothing worse than one parent setting this type of example and the other conveying a totally different example.
 
We have tremendous resources available today to assist us with parenting issues: research and publications about dealing with troubled children, self-help, personal development, and let us not forget the all-time favorite, love. Certain books come to my mind, today, in our search to become more loving parents who better understand our children. Reviving Ophelia, by Mary Pipher, Ph.D., opens our eyes to the challenges faced by adolescent girls. Real Boys, by William Pollack, Ph.D., helps us hear and respond to the needs of growing boys. One book, however, strikes a note as I write today: Erich Fromm's The Art of Loving. In his book, Dr. Fromm describes love as an art that requires discipline, concentration, patience, and practice. Though these words were written over fifty years ago, in my opinion, they still hold, for all of us today, the key of what love is all about. These are important words for all of us to remember and contemplate as we are facing the challenges of life and setting an example for others, especially our children. My Mother never read this book, but somehow she knew a lot more about love than I gave her credit for at the time. Today I have a great sense of appreciation for my Mom, and I thank her from the bottom of my heart for the lessons and examples of love she gave to me.
 
I would like to share the final paragraph from Dr. Fromm's book, The Art of Loving…
 
"To analyze the nature of love is to discover its general absence today and to criticize the social conditions which are responsible for this absence. To have faith in the possibility of love as a social and not only exceptional-individual phenomenon, is a rational faith based on the insight into the very nature of man."
 
In my opinion, the world has not changed that much since he wrote the following over half a century ago. Only through our daily thoughts, words, and actions toward all those we encounter, especially our children, can we create a more loving world.
 
Copyright © 2000 All rights reserved. Paul Mauchline