On Volvos and Ferraris: An Automotive Analogy for Love, Passion, and Relationships
Automobiles and Relationships?
by Leslie Karen Lobell, M.A.

So what on Earth do cars have to do with love? (Other than the fact that some people seem to fall in love with their cars)! Well… maybe nothing… maybe everything. In this case, I would like to use them in an analogy that may help us to look at and better understand relationships. First of all, I need to make a disclaimer: In terms of automobiles, I have never owned either a Volvo or a Ferrari, and this is meant neither as an endorsement of nor as a warning against any particular type of car. I am simply using my own (and what I believe are our cultural) associations with these types of cars in order to illustrate aspects of relationships. In purchasing an automobile, people look at and value different aspects: for instance, one buyer may want a car that is dependable with good safety features, while another may want a car that is fast, sleek, and fun to drive. Similarly, when "shopping" for a partner in relationship, one person may be looking primarily for someone who can provide a stable relationship, whereas another person maybe looking more for passion and excitement.
 
What or Who is a Volvo?
 
Most people associate Volvos with something safe and dependable. In relationship, a Volvo would be a person who is seen as more stable and responsible. This person may be financially secure: he or she may be wealthy, in a profession that steadily provides a good income, and/or capable of handling finances well. A Volvo person may be seen as emotionally mature or healthy (more calm, less prone to sudden bursts of strong emotions such as rage, able to communicate feelings in a constructive way). A Volvo partner would be seen as honest, trustworthy, and loyal. A Volvo relationship is one in which there is caring and consideration between partners. Volvo partners may feel love, but lack feelings of passionate attraction, lust, or infatuation.
 
What or Who is a Ferrari?
 
Say the word Ferrari, and most people have associations such as: fast, sleek, chic, exciting, sexy. In relationship, a Ferrari would be a person who is seen as passionate, sexy, physically attractive, or in other ways socially desirable. A Ferrari person would be viewed as someone fun and exciting to be with. Perhaps this person is a sensation seeker, who enjoys sports like skydiving, whitewater rafting, or flying airplanes. Perhaps this person just oozes sexual energy on the dance floor and seems like he or she would be a hot, sensual lover. In comparison to a Volvo, the Ferrari partner may be more emotionally expressive or volatile. Perhaps this partner will bring out your own jealousy and insecurity: he or she may be so attractive and get so much attention from others, that you are uncertain whether your mate is trustworthy or capable of upholding a monogamy agreement, if there is one. A Ferrari relationship comes fully equipped with that exciting emotional roller coaster of infatuation, passion, and lust. But unlike in the Volvo relationship, the caring, consideration, and stability of love are lacking. It is fun and exciting while it lasts, but you are never certain when the ride will come to an end, and your partner will be trading you in for a newer model.
 
Scenario 1: I Thought I Was Buying A Ferrari, But I Ended Up With A Volvo
 
Both scenarios I will present are intended to illustrate common occurrences in relationships: the names are fictitious, but you may recognize your own experience in one or both of them… When Linda first met Tom, sparks were flying. The first time they made love, it felt so wonderful and so intimate. Linda felt like she was falling head over heels in love. She felt an incredible "high" whenever the phone rang and it was Tom on the other end. Tom lived near a harbor, and sometimes he would take Linda out on his boat. He always seemed creative in coming up with ideas about where to go and what to do on dates. Most of these dates eventually ended up at one of their homes, with Linda and Tom passionately making love. Some months passed, and Linda realized that she and Tom were going out less and less, staying in more and more. They were still having sex on a regular basis, but somehow their lovemaking seemed less passionate and more mundane. The so-called honeymoon period was over: somehow the passion seemed to have disappeared, and a less exciting routine had set in. Initially, Linda had thought she was getting a Ferrari. Suddenly, she found herself with a Volvo, in the sense that things had become predictable. She wondered where the fun and excitement had gone - and where was the Tom with whom she thought she was getting involved. Was she now stuck with the Volvo? Should she keep it or trade it in for a new Ferrari? Or was there some way to bring out the Ferrari in Tom again?
 
Scenario 2: I Wanted A Volvo, I Got A Volvo, But Now I Find Myself Eyeing The Ferraris
 
Susan was a romantic at heart. For years she had searched for her soulmate, and had suffered a number of heartbreaks in the process. Deciding to learn how to create and maintain a healthy relationship, Susan began reading self-help books. Susan realized that she had been chasing Ferraris in hopes of converting them into Volvos. In other words, time after time, she would choose a man who was fun and to whom she felt passionately attracted; however, these men were not really emotionally available or interested in settling down in marriage. Learning to value Volvos, Susan started to make healthier choices in dating and relationship partners. She sought a man who had skills in communication, who was a caring partner and considerate lover, who was capable of intimacy, and interested in finding a life partner with whom to settle down.
 
One day Susan found herself with a new challenge: she had gotten what she wished for. She had been dating John for a while, and they were discussing marriage. John had done some therapy and personal growth work, and he was capable of communicating with Susan far better than any of her previous partners. John was generous and considerate; he tried to make Susan feel special and cherished. Initially, Susan even had felt that John would be a great lover for her… However, lately she was not always feeling as satisfied with their lovemaking. She felt guilty that she started having sexual dreams and waking fantasies about men other than John. Even though she was committed to giving the relationship with John time, to see where it would go, she had caught herself eyeing the Ferraris again, wondering if she was missing something.
 
Making Your Volvo Feel Like A Ferrari: Keeping Love Alive and Rekindling Passion
 
These scenarios are not uncommon. Ultimately, in relationship, even if you initially obtain a Ferrari, most people can't seem to keep it. The relationship that begins with the emotional high of passion and lust cannot sustain this sort of intensity over time. Given the romantic images our culture (in television, movies, and writing) feeds us of undying love and passion, it is difficult even for those who have consciously chosen the more stable, reliable Volvo partner to keep from wondering if he/she "sold out" on the dream of "true love." So if you find yourself with a Volvo wondering about where your Ferrari is or went, the question is, can you have both? Since generally, in relationship, most couples tend to fall into a more mundane routine after the initial infatuation passes, can we have the Volvo but feel like we are riding in a Ferrari? Is passion something that shows up and then suddenly disappears forever -- wholly beyond our control? Or can we choose to create passion in our lives and our relationships?
 
I believe the latter. With conscious effort, we can create romance and rekindle passion in a long-term relationship. The biggest challenge, for many of us, is truly, deeply opening to real intimacy with our partner. We hold ourselves back from getting that vulnerable, for fear of being rejected and hurt. But it is in taking the risk of sharing yourself and truly coming to know your partner - rather than taking for granted that you already know each other - that a much deeper connection can be formed, and a sustainable form of passion can be ignited. It takes conscious effort and daily practice, but it is possible if both partners are willing and committed to the process.
 
"How?" I could devote entire books to this subject, but here are some questions you might ask yourself to begin the process: No matter how long I have known my partner, can I approach him/her with fresh eyes? Can I learn something new in my relationship every day? When I am with my partner, am I truly present (or am I thinking about something or someone else)? Do I make time to communicate with my partner when I can give him/her my full attention and really listen? Am I fully open to loving and sharing with my partner? Do I love and respect myself enough to have chosen a partner who is open to loving and sharing with me? Am I allowing intimacy to grow? Am I communicating with my partner during times when I feel like shutting down, closing off, or otherwise protecting myself? In times when I feel myself getting more distant, can I take the risk to get closer again and open up more? When we make love, do I ask my partner what he/she wants? Do I tell him/her what pleases me? Do I share my fantasies and my innermost erotic self?
 
The biggest challenge is in truly opening yourself to life and opening yourself to another human being. Do you allow yourself to feel connection on all levels: body, mind, soul, and spirit? When making love, can you feel connected with your partner in both the heart and the genitals simultaneously? It is not easy to live daily life with passion. However, if you are committed to working with your partner and working on yourself, you can begin to feel a type of passion in life that is not simply a quick flash in the pan: you can have the security of a Volvo relationship while feeling the excitement of riding in a Ferrari.
 
Copyright ©2000-2001. All rights reserved. Leslie Lobell