SEX: Asking The Right Questions To Be A Better Lover

Art of Loving,love advice, relationship advice, dating advice, singles advice, counseling on the Art of Loving

Art of Loving, advice on love and relationships

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By Debora Myers

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By Debora Myers

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By Maya Lambrou

Asking The Right Questions
To Be A Better Lover
By Melissa Balmer

I'm going to be very honest: I don't consider myself to be one of the world's greatest lovers. However, I am on a journey of personal discovery in this area. It is said, "We teach what we need to learn." So I'd like to share with you some of the things I'm discovering along the way.

I believe the following are two of the most important questions we can ask ourselves with regard to opening up to becoming a better lover, as well as learning to enjoy ourselves more during lovemaking:

1) How can we learn to shut off our very busy brains and relax and enjoy really being in the moment?

2) How can we learn to better communicate openly and honestly with our lover about where we're at, what we're feeling, and what we'd like to do?

From all of the research I've done, from talking to friends, and from my own personal experience, it appears that both sexes are actually just as shy when it comes to speaking up about what they'd like to do in bed. Women, though, have a tougher time, in general, shutting off their brains and relaxing into the moment. Women have brains that tend to think about more than one thing at a time. Men are better at focusing on one thing-which makes enjoying sex easier for them.

I believe this is an area where it would be a good idea for men to learn to have compassion for their female lovers. (Don't worry men. Women need to learn to have compassion for you, too. I'll get to that a little later). I have two reasons why compassion is merited. First, men are pretty sure of experiencing an orgasm from a sexual encounter, whereas women are not. Second, women -- who tend to be more in tune with those around us and with our surroundings -- are the far more judgmental of the two sexes. This is a double-edged sword: the double-edged part is that we often focus this judgment harshly on ourselves.

We've all heard that men are visual creatures. It's only recently that I've really started to understand exactly what this means. It means that if men see something they enjoy looking at, they can lose themselves in the moment and just enjoy the visual stimulation. This is a very difficult concept for women to grasp. So when our lovers turn their eyes to us and start to stare, our reaction usually is to assume something like, "He doesn't like this haircut!" If we happen to be naked, the judgment becomes even harsher, such as, "He's ticking off all my flaws… He's grossed out by my thighs!" In reality, according to everything I've read and everything men have told me in person, his thoughts are far more likely to be something like, "Wow, I'm so lucky! A live naked woman right here in front of me!"

This, by the way, is also the reason that men have such a good sense of humor about things like cup sizes that come off with the bra. I asked several men whether or not they felt betrayed when this happens. Every one of them responded, "Who cares? There's a woman getting naked with me!"

I know men, I know: It can get tiresome to keep telling someone how attracted you are to her, how much she turns you on, and have her continue to act insecure. I've been guilty of this sort of behavior, myself, in the past. My advice now to women is, "Snap out of it!" If your lover pays you a compliment, you need to open your ears and your heart and accept it graciously. It might have taken him a lot of courage to say it! Let's face it, women can be pretty fierce in our disbelief, and we often bite the hand that's trying to feed us the adoration and attention we so desire.

Yes, I know ladies, I know: It's scary to open our ears and our hearts and hear our lover's words when we look in the mirror and decide that we fall short of what the media is currently touting as "Who's sexy now!" The key here, though, is to remember that even those who we see in photos looking fabulous often don't look quite that way in person. (PhotoShop fixes every hair out of place, every blemish; it takes off weight; it changes eye color…). Also, the "ideal" that the media chooses doesn't necessarily reflect what most heterosexual men find sexy and alluring, anyway. In the words of one of my straight guy pals, "The media's all women and gay men. Of course they have a different idea of what's sexy than straight guys do. We're just too lazy to object."

Of course women may be thinking, "What about Playboy?" To that all I can say is that for every magazine like Playboy featuring a particular sort of very thin, very young, woman as the epitome of sexy, we women have three fashion magazines with almost impossibly thin and very young women modeling face creams for faces that won't have wrinkles for years yet, and modeling clothes that no young woman their age, unless a model or an heiress can afford. Sadly, we do most of the harm to our self-image ourselves.

Women we need to give ourselves a break! And we need to accept that men are visual and they love visual stimulation… Love it, love it, love it! We need to recognize that our lover chose us because we're whom he finds desirable. He likes our "type." He would very much like to see much more of us displayed in a sexy way for his adoring gaze. If he doesn't get enough visual stimulation from us, it's possible he's going to resort to getting it from other places. So yes, it's a bit unnerving how men can stare: one almost feels like a science project. But wouldn't you rather he was adoring you than a pinup in a magazine or on a website? The more we can learn to relax and accept our lover's gaze and attention, the more turned on we'll be… and the more turned on we are, the more turned on he'll be. The more we accept that we're sexy to him, the sexier we'll be to ourselves. Besides, who doesn't want to be adored?

So men, we're starting to understand you. Now it's time for you to understand a little more about us. Women are "aural" creatures: we like words. That's why in general women prefer erotica to photos of naked people for stimulation. We like to be hooked up in, and lost in, a story. That's why porn movies often leave us cold, but something like "The English Patient" makes us hot. Men, you really need to learn to be brave and talk to us: you need to learn to tell us of your desires, what you'd like to do, and what you'd like us to do… and you need to learn to do it in a smart way. Why? Because it will pay off big time!

Why are some men great Casanova's who have women swooning for them? Because they've learned how to talk to women! They know that women need a lot of reassurance. They also know that women need to be coaxed into opening up and sharing their thoughts, because we're very frightened of rejection (aren't we all?), of being too much, of being called names. Blame it not only on the whole very old and tired whore/Madonna syndrome of categorization, but also on the fact that we've been told, forever, what frail egos men have and that they hate to be told what to do. Maybe, men, you do hate to be "told what to do," but wouldn't you love some instructions on how to turn your lover on? Ask! And don't take her blushes and stammering for an answer! But be sweet about it: let her know how excited it would make you feel to know better how to turn her on. And if you want to try something new, don't hit her over the head with it all at once… Start dropping small hints, always with plenty of reassurance that if she's brave and gives something new a try, you'll be there with open happy arms to catch her.

Remember that being a great lover, like any other skill worth acquiring in life, takes time and patience and practice. As we've seen, it takes the compassion of understanding the differences in characteristics between you and your partner and the ability to be open to learning to think in new ways. Good luck!

With the creation of the website magazine www.languidkiss.com …where sensuality is an art" Melissa Balmer found a way to bring together her passion for inspirational writing and celebrating personal sensuality under one roof.

A rare combination of both artist and business person, Melissa has been both a successful sales executive and gift designer before creating Languid Kiss. Keeping in mind the old adage "the more personal the more universal" Melissa decided the best way to reach out to others was not only to share the words and art of those she felt truly celebrate and educate about sensuality, but also to share her own personal quest to discover her own sensuality and emotional healing through her candid online journal.

Melissa is an accomplished speaker and former member of Toastmasters Int. She enjoys speaking to young people on the importance of goal setting to accomplish your dreams, and has worked with the Friends of NYA, to help raise funds for the Neighborhood Youth Associations--a non profit organizations in Venice and Mar Vista California dedicated to helping "at risk" youth.

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