SEX: Allowing Yourself To Be Sexy Part II

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Allowing Yourself To Be Sexy Part II
So What Turns You On?
By Melissa Balmer

Recently a new email buddy reminded me of a quote that goes something like this "insanity is repeatedly doing the same thing and expecting different results".

Alas, we're all guilty of it though, aren't we? Being so use to our familiar old ways and our familiar old pains, and hoping that somehow, some way, a miracle will happen and Cinderella will loan us her fairy Godmother to come down and wave her magic wand and make things better...because well, taking charge ourselves is really scary and doing something different and new could possibly mean, gosh, all kinds of new pain could come into our lives!

Yes it could...but do you want to die living your life the way you are right now? Not to be morbid, but sometimes we need to shake ourselves up a bit and get a new grip. Chances are if you're reading this you'd like to have some things change in your love life. There's really no such thing as treading water in life--it may seem like things are staying the same as we follow our daily routine, but things are either growing or dying. We're either building muscles or letting them get a little slacker.

Same goes for being sexy. Last time we talked about the "Book Of Limitations" we've all got. I hope it got you thinking and questioning mental assumptions about yourself. Now it's time to start looking in the mirror. Spring is here, but before our hearts can really go out dancing it's time to check in and find out where we're really at on this subject already. As Phillip C. McGraw states in his huge bestseller "Life Strategies" you can't change what you don't acknowledge.

It's time to stop burying our heads in the sand when it comes to being sexy. It's time to start taking responsibility for it, and in order to do so; we need to take the time to realize just what turns us on as a starting point.

As with most things this is easier said than done. Chances are you may have chatted about "whom" you find sexy with your friends in college, or perhaps, you mull it over a bit every time People magazine comes out with their "Sexiest Man" issue. But when is the last time you really thought about what sort of things and experiences you actually find sexy, and sat down to figure out why? (we'll get to who we find sexy in the next chapter, don't worry)

It's all a matter of taste. What's yours? What sort of music gets you into the mood? What film has scenes that make your pulse race? How about places, or types of cuisine, or a particular style of decor? And which of your senses affects you the most? Are you the sort of person a particular piece of music, say an aria from Verde, puts into a sexy frame of mind? Are you the sort that gets turned on by shapely legs in elegant heels, or a man in a well cut Italian suit? What colours and fragrances thrill you? How about the written word? Can a particular poem or a particular story thrill you?

Society has particular "ideals" of sensuous, but they may not be yours. A luxurious bath by candlelight, a massage, and sexy lingerie put many of us in the mood, but this might not be you--you might find a walk along the beach, or dancing the night away at your favourite club to your favourite music is actually what makes you feel really tuned into yourself and sexy. What's important is that you take the time to really figure out what you like, in all categories--sight, sound, scent, touch, taste. Be really specific, and don't just stop at one or two things, write as much down as occurs to you, keep adding whenever you think of something new. It may be tough in the beginning, if it's difficult to figure out what makes you feel turned on, how about just writing down what sorts of things make you feel good? Baby steps are A-okay.

This is an exercise in allowing yourself to acknowledge and discover your taste. Why do the things you've written down put you in a great place? What do they make you feel? Free? Alive? Connected with your body in a way you usually aren't? Write it all down. Afraid someone's going to read it and laugh? Okay, that's possible--if you need to hide it. Make this list a safe place for you to know what you like. It's just for you, it's not for anyone else. But you will find the more tuned in with what you really like, what things and activities make you feel sexy, the easier it will be for you to share yourself with others, and to connect with those who have similar tastes.

Now it's time to give yourself a pat on the back for how many of those things you're already incorporating into your life. Okay, it may not be many of them, and it may not be nearly often enough, but this is the baby steps plan, and it always starts with gratitude for what you've already accomplished. The more you appreciate yourself and your accomplishments the more you're going to allow yourself to try new things and experiences you think you might like.

So you've got this list of things, you're okay with what you've already allowed yourself, but you'd like to allow more--now what? Take out your calendar and work some of them into your schedule. Don't bite off more than you can chew, you'll only overwhelm yourself and your budget. Be realistic. Small steps taken gradually are the way to go. Maybe you actually own some very nice pieces of lingerie, or some great sexy pieces of clothing that you've been saving for special occasions. Don't save them! Start wearing them just because you're worth it right here right now. If you don't think it's okay to be sexy just for yourself you're going to find it nearly impossible to be sexy for someone else. Being sexy is about being comfortable in your own skin, liking yourself, thinking you're worth the things you like and make you feel good.

Again this isn't about running out and spending a lot of money, it's about investing time, effort and interest in yourself. It's about appreciating what you have, including yourself, and taking great care with it. Do you really need new shoes to feel great, or do you just need to polish the ones you have? If you drive a lot, maybe it's something as simple as making sure the sort of music that makes you feel great is in your car and not in the CD or cassette rack by the stereo. Maybe a particular fragrance really does it for you--does it come as a soap? Couldn't you buy a few bars of it, cut it up, put it in cotton handkerchiefs or those old scarves you never wear, and put it in all your underwear drawers? Hey, why can't guys do this too? Women love it when guys smell great.

We all have that favourite outfit that we always get compliments on. What is it about that outfit that makes us feel and look great? Why can't all of our clothes make us feel and look that way? No, most of us can't afford to run out and buy a brand new wardrobe, but we can keep this in mind when we are ready to go buy something new. The next time you go shopping think of it as an investment in yourself and not just an outing to relieve stress, or to feel better about yourself by buying the latest hip thing. Set aside "x" amount of your clothing budget just for items that really make you feel sexy. Buy the very best, sexiest underwear you can afford--and feel comfortable in. This goes for men and women. So what if you can only afford one piece at a time? One piece a month adds up quickly and sooner than you know it you're wearing sexy seven days a week. So what if you have to hand wash some of it. Aren't you worth it? Nothing says I really like myself, and damn I'm sexy more than great underwear and lingerie--and remember, invest in the stuff you like, that flatters your figure that you feel good in.

In closing I want to talk briefly about food. Too many of us don't deal well with food. We live in a very feast or famine culture. Often we're dieting or binging. Food is necessary for our health and well-being. Take a good look at how you handle food. Do you eat well? Do you eat a balanced diet? This has been a huge challenge for me as I'm a social eater. I love to cook--for others, when I'm by myself I want only the easiest and quickest things possible. Trust me, I've tried to exist on a yoghurt diet when I'm by myself out of sheer laziness--but it didn't keep me healthy, or give me energy to do much! Gradually I've learned not to just buy enough for a couple of days to keep me running, but to start thinking instead about having a well stocked pantry--just for me.

Truly sexy people are healthy people, and healthy people have a balanced diet. They eat fruits and vegetables, they care about themselves enough to keep their larders stocked--which also makes others feel welcome in their home. It's wonderful to be able to offer a friend or a lover something wonderful to eat isn't it? Guys let me tell you, a man who can cook, even if it's just a few specialties is pretty damn sexy. A man who cares enough about his own well being and my well being to have yummy food in his fridge is even sexier. This last year or so I've had guys barbecue the perfect steak for me (and he picked it out at the grocery story and made the marinade), make me humus from scratch, and show me how to make the perfect roast chicken. I was quite impressed and they're very happy memories. You may not have time, or even like to cook much. That's okay. You can still buy all kinds of convenient foods at the grocery and speciality stores these days that tastes great, takes only minutes to make into a great meal, and are higher in nutritional value and lower on calories and fat than fast food.

So how about it? What do you like? What turns you on? There's a world of possibilities, it's just up to you to figure it out.

(Copyright 2001 Melissa Balmer)

With the creation of the website magazine www.languidkiss.com �where sensuality is an art" Melissa Balmer found a way to bring together her passion for inspirational writing and celebrating personal sensuality under one roof.

A rare combination of both artist and business person, Melissa has been both a successful sales executive and gift designer before creating Languid Kiss. Keeping in mind the old adage "the more personal the more universal" Melissa decided the best way to reach out to others was not only to share the words and art of those she felt truly celebrate and educate about sensuality, but also to share her own personal quest to discover her own sensuality and emotional healing through her candid online journal.

Melissa is an accomplished speaker and former member of Toastmasters Int. She enjoys speaking to young people on the importance of goal setting to accomplish your dreams, and has worked with the Friends of NYA, to help raise funds for the Neighborhood Youth Associations--a non-profit organizations in Venice and Mar Vista California dedicated to helping "at risk" youth.

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