Before You Seek Mr. or Ms. Right...
by Paul Mauchline

Are you a single adult seeking a committed relationship? If so, in my opinion, there are some important areas that you need to consciously examine before you search for Mr. or Ms. Right. First, you must carefully consider the question, "Am I ready for a relationship?" Being "ready" involves some very important aspects. First of all, you need to be sure that you truly love yourself. Second, you must have dealt properly with past issues and emotional baggage. Third, you should have a clear sense of why you want to be in a relationship. Fourth, you must ask yourself whether or not you are prepared (both able and willing) to put in the work and effort required for a loving, committed relationship. It is important to be totally honest with yourself. If there is any sign of hesitation or uncertainty in any of these areas, you will need to go back to lay the groundwork before you can build a healthy relationship. Even before seeking a partner, you need to take a good look at yourself.
 
First, before even considering a loving relationship with another, you have to love yourself. You have to remember your priorities. It all starts with you. In order to be capable of giving love to another person, you need to give love to yourself, first. In order to be able to recognize when you are receiving genuine love from another person, you first must honor your worthiness to receive love. You have to know who you truly are. You must be aware of your own abilities, gifts, strengths, and weaknesses. You have to like yourself as a person, inside and out. You need to have self-respect and self-confidence. Above all, and most importantly, you have to be honest with yourself. If you are able to do this, you will generally be able to make good choices and decisions in your life.
 
The second aspect of preparing yourself for a healthy, committed relationship is dealing with issues from childhood or emotional baggage from past relationships. Often, unresolved issues - whether they are from childhood, past relationships, or some emotional trauma - hold us back in our current life. Perhaps a betrayal in a past relationship makes you feel you cannot trust or commit to a new partner. Perhaps you had a parent who was physically or emotionally abusive, and you somehow manage to find partners who continue this pattern of abuse. Perhaps there is nothing in particular you can point to, except for the fact that you never seem to be able to find a relationship that lasts. Whatever the issue or concern may be, if you have not been able to resolve it on your own, and it is still affecting your view of yourself or your view of relationships, you may wish to seek help from a therapist, counselor, or other qualified professional to help you sort through these issues.
 
The third aspect of determining your readiness to find a new partner involves your honest consideration of a very important question: "Why do I want a relationship?" There are good reasons and there are bad reasons to want a relationship. One of the worst reasons for wanting a relationship is to try to complete a part of yourself that you think is missing. How many times have I heard someone say that they will finally be totally happy when they meet their soulmate? One individual will not make you feel whole if you feel incomplete. Should you be in the active pursuit of a relationship, you might be saying to yourself, "I am not happy unless I am in a relationship" or "There is something wrong with me if I am not in a relationship." This is not true. There are a lot of happy single people in the world today. Completion and happiness in our lives cannot come from a loving relationship with another person. Loving relationships succeed only when both partners already are happy and complete within themselves. A partner should complement an already fulfilled life, not complete an unfulfilled one. When two complete individuals unite together in their life's journey, they have the capacity to create the loving, passionate, committed relationship they desire.
 
Finally, there is one other aspect you should consider: your ability and willingness to put in the effort required for a committed, loving relationship. Relationships take work. The idea promoted in Fairy Tales, that you will meet your Prince (or Princess) Charming and live Happily Ever After - without any moments of stress or discord - simply is false. Even if you find your soulmate, you will be faced with challenges and disagreements at times. So before you commit to a relationship, you need to examine whether or not you are prepared to do the work it takes to make a relationship successful.
 
Suppose you meet all four of these criteria: 1. You love yourself. 2. You have dealt with any issues that may impede your ability to bond with another person in a healthy way. 3. You know the reasons why you want a relationship, and these reasons seem to be good ones. 4. You are committed to putting forth the effort it takes to create a solid relationship. What next? Well, it sounds like you are ready to go in search of a new partner. When you meet the right person for a committed, loving relationship, you will know that he or she is, indeed, the one for you.
 
Copyright © 2000-2001. All rights reserved. Paul Mauchline