The fear of dating
by Paul Mauchline

The Do you remember the line from the movie, "When Harry Met Sally," in which soon-to-be-married Marie and Jess are lying in bed after consoling their friends, Harry and Sally? Marie turns to Jess and says, "Please tell me I will never have to be out there again!"
 
There is a good chance, if you are reading this article, that you and/or a close friend are back out there, again, in the dating arena. For many, the re-entry to meeting new people and dating is downright scary; it is the last thing they truly want to do. I am sure that most of us, at some point in our lives, have uttered a similar phrase to the one that Marie shared with Jess. It is unfortunate, today, that relationships end at such an alarming rate. These endings put us back in that place we all detest. Once again, we must force ourselves back out there to find that special, unique person with whom to share our love and our life.
 
Some of us have no problem returning to the dating scene. We feel it is like riding a bicycle: we never forget how to do it. Others, though, are left with unresolved hurts: self esteem issues and traumas from past relationships. Many feel, based on past experiences, that it is just not worth the effort: they are prepared to go it alone. Some may find themselves suddenly and surprisingly single, after having been in a very long-term relationship. Today it is not uncommon to find people single again after 10 - 25 years of being in a loving relationship.
 
Each day I meet single men and women. I hear the excuses of why they are not dating and trying to meet the one for them. Excuses like:

• I will never love again; my ex was the only one for me.
• I do not know how to do this dating thing.
• I have trouble meeting people.
• I am too old.
• I am not attractive anymore.
• I have children.
• My job is too demanding.
• I have no time.
• I will never trust someone again.
• I am not capable of loving.

These are just a few of the excuses that come to my mind, right now: excuses that prevent people from re-entering the dating scene. One thing, though, I have learned in my life: life just is not as much fun when you are alone. At some point, after getting over the hurt from the last relationship -- and dealing with any past emotional baggage -- you need to get back into the saddle again, so to speak.
 
Dating and meeting new people should be a fun experience -- not a fearful one. Sure, we all have had the date from hell, but I am sure the nice experiences outweigh the occasional bad ones. In order to get back to dating, you have to remove your fears. This is your key to successfully making dating a fun experience. Should you have difficulties with your fears associated with dating, I would advise that you seek the counsel of a good friend who might have gone through the same thing, or consult a professional to help you overcome your fears. Overcoming fears requires work. So get out there, get the help, read the books, and search the Internet. Sites such as mine at http://www.artofloving.com/ may help you on a course to extinguishing your fears.
 
You have finally worked up your courage to get out there. Now you ask yourself the question: Where do I begin? I cover this very topic in a number of articles in the Singles section of my web site. You might wish to use this as your starting point. For many of you, I have suggested that you begin within the safe confines of your home: simply use your personal computer and go online to one of the singles sites recommended here to get started. The technology of the Internet has opened so many new doors for singles to meet other singles. It is a great, safe way to slowly meet new friends and get back into dating.
 
You might say to yourself, "I am a loser if I use a service like this." No you are not! Thousands of people meet each hour using venues like this to find one another. Sure, there will be people you decide not to dialogue with. However, the same would be true no matter how and where you might choose to strike up a conversation with someone new. It can happen in the grocery store, a bar, a club, a school, the workplace, or, for that matter, in any range of public venues. These reputable singles sites have been around a long time. They provide an important, necessary service to connect people with one another. Just read the comments and testimonials on their site to rest your fears.
 
There are millions of single men and women out there, seeking friendship, dating, romance, and love on the Net. What a selection to choose from! It is all at your fingertips. Now all you have to do is lose your fears, put out the effort to meet new people, date, and have fun. Eventually, you will find the one for you.
 
Copyright © 2000-2001. All rights reserved. Paul Mauchline